Situation: sitting in a dark room. Status post a toxic co dependent relationship that you successfully dodged for almost two decades only to fold and learn the lessons you foresaw coming. In the process of trying to hold your atoms together, and not shatter… you turn introspective.

Focus inward: How does your trauma manifest? A therapist asked me that once. I quit therapy. But let us talk about it.

Do you feel guilty when you buy yourself something. After buying something new… do you “save” it for a rainy day… then when you convince yourself to wear it it has fallen apart from disuse?

Do you prefer to inherit broken in clothes and hold on to hand me downs due to sentiment?

Do you empathize with the villains in your story… identifying with their villain origin story instead of removing yourself from their blast radius. Finding ways to “fix it” instead of holding them accountable?

Do you forget your basic needs while focusing on others? Cannot remember your last meal but can recite a person’s sleep cycle.

A walking representation of imposter syndrome. Accuse yourself of failing upward?

Do you enter every relationship waiting for abandonment. Stay suspicious of motives and seem to always have that “aha” moment when the other party lives out your foreboding?

Do you spend your days identifying all the ways your reality could crumble and how it is your fault?

Do your overly invest in those you feel have been dealt an unfair hand because you wish someone would do the same for you?

Do you overextend yourself hoping that it will fill the gap in those you care for hoping it will soothe their demons while your demons run unchecked?

Do you regret caring? Regret overextending? Regret smothering others while hiding yourself leading to you sitting in the dark, wallowing in introspection even as you acknowledge all the trampling in the world will not stop the care you have for the chosen few whose demons, soothed your demons even for a spell, a season or a session?

Conclusion: Trauma shapes character, designs disguises and cloaks relationships. Enough trauma and the soul loses itself under all the weight of the debris that is your life.